I’m feeling super vulnerable today.  I’m getting frustrated with the fact that I’m spending so much “focused” time at my part-time job and so little time working on what I’d really rather be doing: playing private piano gigs, writing Igby, and learning how to make futurebass music.

I want to work smart, always. How do I do this? I MUST evaluate my time realistically. I MUST look at the projects that I want to accomplish, and prioritize them.

I must confess, my gung-ho attitude of doing an hour of yoga after work has manifested lackluster results. I haven’t disciplined myself to do an hour of yoga more than 2 or 3 times this week. That sounds pretty good, actually. I don’t know why I’m so down on myself. Maybe it’s because I’ve taken in so much sugar recently? and my emotional-energy levels are out of whack?

What would it look like to do all these things that I’d rather be doing? It would mean scheduling the time to do them, and doing them. I’ve wondered if I need to create a deadline for these creative projects.

[Edit: Here’s a brief clip of me second guessing myself that I was going to edit out, exploring my inner belief structure through writing. I decided to leave it in for the sake of example. Watch how I am able to turn things around once I get the emotion out in the light: “I am currently, temporarily feeling depressed at the prospect of never getting another vacation again. Wait – hold up. Who said I will never get another vacation again? Not true. I’m not sure where that belief came from. I suppose it’s because I’ve always had a hard time dealing with a feeling of low self-worth. Essentially the idea is “I’m not worth taking time off for”.

Woah – where did that come from? I’m so fvcking sick of having to look back to my childhood to make sense of my present. But I don’t know of another place where I was so vulnerable to the ideas and beliefs of the people around me. [the turn around] I want to make something out of myself. I want to be happy. I want to do good work. I want to be financially and spiritually abundant.”]

Right now, my vibe is getting better. It’s interesting. There have been times where I’ve [allegedly] wanted to medicate with cannabis cookies. I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently. It feels lazy. I’m not sure if I want to stop it and read books instead. If I relocated my studio musical setup, that would be much easier, and I would move a reading chair up to my bedroom.

Let the air clear.

I was just thinking about a friend of mine who tried to start a small business. He failed. But he dragged his feet for many, many months after I felt like he should have re-evaluated and pivoted. Why? Stubbornness, persistence, not knowing when to quit. I would like to more clearly and easily know when to quit – chasing a love interest, a job, a project, a creative relationship. Is it only an emotional decision? How do I make these decisions? I think it should be a combination of emotional and mental.

 

Take Time for the Sensous

 

Also, something that I’ve become increasingly aware of is that I need to make time for the sensuous – the savory. Enjoying the finer things in life. I want to cry just thinking about this. I haven’t traveled since that awesome camping trip I took with some friends to the Buffalo River in July. How can I make the time to travel?

I want to live in Asia for a while. Japan would be great. How can I do this? How can I set up income streams to create wealth whether I work or not?

Here’s what I’m envisioning: A business, building and certifying Reiki practitioners here in Memphis, and further helping connect clients with practitioners with places to give and receive Reiki. Organize the results so the practitioner can choose the best place, and schedule it then and there. 444. Then, i can take the business on the road.

God I’m feeling so depressed right now…I think I’ll go home and sleep. 999

God is reaching me in the most spine-shilling goosebump inducing way possible. I will let this energy rearrange my inner self. I will follow my heart. When ever I feel off, my heart will take me home.