My love. Acro Yoga Sunday at Overton Park today 5pm.
The class consisted of a very clever Vinyasa sequence as warm-up, focusing most notably on hip openers (for bases) and tuck jumps (for flyers). In Acro Yoga, the base lays on *ers back with ers feet in the air. The flyer then leans into the base in different positions and is physically elevated into the air. It’s such a healthy way to connect with someone sensually (not sexually) and to have fun while doing it.
I’m writing this blog post two days after, so let’s recall my levels…
P – 7
M – 3
E – 7
Mentally I had a difficult time being in the present moment, focused on the task at hand. I navigated it by helping others, which was positive. Emotionally I felt rejected but was able to be present with that emotion, so I’ll say 7. Physically this daily yoga is doing positive things for my physical health and well being.
I told Dark Princess about the Acro date. Total transparency in dating feels weird at first if you’re not used to it, but it opens a very clear dimension of honesty and accountability. I wish my date could have made it to Acro, but she had to work, and I felt pretty lonely for much of the class. I’ve been practicing Acro for a year now, so I helped some newbies into the basic poses. It was a relief to think outside myself and invest my time there into helping someone learn the ropes, instead of stewing in the discomforting feeling of rejection. There were old parts of me that wanted to take it personally, but I keep reminding myself that it’s not a rejection of self, just plans.
I’m still feeling out my connection with this other person too. Dark Princess and I have a compelling bodily attraction to each other, and we connect mentally on topics of spiritual growth and business ideas, so conversation is usually fluid between us, and if it isn’t, we just have fun making out and playing!
This other person feels quite different. With this other person I feel safe revealing some deep parts of myself that I keep hidden. We spoke over the phone for almost an hour after I got back from Acro. I haven’t kissed her yet, and I’m curious to know if that’s the direction that our connection will go, but I’m open to wherever it goes, organically. All I know at this point is that I feel safe around her and want to get to spend more time with her.
If you’ve read more of my blog, you know that I am a survivor of toxic shame. Toxic shame happens when core parts of your being are shamed for simply existing. For me, it looked like my family and community shaming parts of myself that didn’t conform to the standards of society; namely behavior, dress, and confident sexuality.
Part of dating healthily, for me, means rewiring old, dysfunctional ideas of dating and expression in favor of new, highly-functional ones.
Before about a month ago I hadn’t dated (as in actively seeking partners) for about a year now. When I got back into the flow recently, I realized that I had many outdated models of how it was “supposed” to work. Part of my new approach is to question these beliefs. As I began to debunk my toxic shame around dating and sexuality, I began to realize that I was operating under the default of monogamy. In the past, I’ve committed to monogamy with a partner because I thought that was the only way to sex (a model of reality that I now considered outdated). I love sex, but in the past I’ve been ashamed to admit that I wanted it out of any given dating situation. I know that I hurt some people through my ignorance and I feel remorse, but I also forgive myself now because I didn’t have the experience or understanding of a different way. Toxic shame is blinding. Now that I understand it, I can live healthy, confidently, and honestly.
What are my biggest challenges with this? Part of me wants to space out – check out. I’ve been bisexual all of my life with little or no support and understanding until quite recently, so I became a professional at checking out. Through out my adolescence into early adult hood I used weed, alcohol, music, fantasy, pornography, and food to medicate uncomfortable feelings (mostly toxic shame). As a bisexual person, sometimes it feels energetically depleting to show up as myself. Sometimes it feels like a waste of energy to try to explain myself to someone who doesn’t have a place for someone like me in their worldview. My challenge is to flow with my organic self-expression and attract people into my life that love and understand me, and to not worry about the connections that don’t work out. How do I do that? I get to be and become a loving and understanding person. Practically, this looks like taking time to make new connections, get numbers, and make plans.
Daily Yoga is changing my body. A year of weight lifting gave me big muscles, but increased daily yoga is making me leaner. I am a spirit in a body, and I define myself by my self, not just my body. I’m finding that I want to embrace my physical beauty more, including changes in style and how I present myself to the world.
I live on the border of Orange Mound, which is an African-American part of Memphis with a rich history, and I have always appreciated the urban style of dress I see here. I like how much of it is not gender specific. I’m not sure if I’m non-gender binary or what; I’m just taking time to connect with how I feel in the moment and move from the NOW moment.
It’s like the famous Schrodinger’s cat experiment, and the principle of quantum physics where the observer shapes that which is being observed. When I’m with Dark Princess, she appreciates my masculinity and I feel more masculine. When I’m with my current other woman, she creates space for me to open up and reveal more of my feminine side.
This is a very interesting time for me, because I’m having to embrace fully my decision to operate from a place of not knowing: not knowing what the future holds, not knowing who I am becoming. My guiding principle is love, and the point of contact with being and becoming in my heart. (Being and Becoming are ancient philosophical ideas, traceable to Greek philosophers Plato and others, as well as apparent in Huna teachings. Do you know of another instance? Comment!)
I like it though – it’s exciting. I envision a Tim with an open heart, surrounded by loving people, confident, actively involved in creative pursuits that teach the youth positive self-regard and application of their creative assets to building a better future.
Hmm….these posts are becoming more and more like journal entries. I’m considering making new posts that are more list-oriented for easy use. If you’re still with me, thanks for reading through this vulnerable self-exploration! I hope that you can use these ideas in your own self-explorations.
May you be and become your truest, most vibrant self!
*Note: I use the archaic non-gender specific personal pronoun “er and ers” to designate he/she and his/hers.