Conscious Life

A Blog on Personal Development for Awaken(ed/ing) Souls – by Tim Stanek

Author: timstanek1988 (Page 2 of 4)

21 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 20 (Residue)

Elizabeth Heeran’s class at Elements reminded me of something important. She used a sanskrit term that roughly translated to “residue” (I can’t remember the sanskrit term at the moment though). The residue!

In this case, after going through several vinyasa sequences, the “residue” of the practice is the feelings in the body after the hard work is out of the way. Not quite Savasana, the ending (which, again, I wished went on longer than it did!), but the preparation for the ending. Like Autumn, preparing for winter.

We’ve completed the summer months now, and our time with the sun is over. We played, sweated, and enjoyed being seen. Now, with the autumnal equinox happening tomorrow, we are at a turning point. It is time to enjoy the residue of the summer.

Let’s take time to appreciate everything we’ve done for ourselves and others. Let’s appreciate the latent echo of our actions. The residue. The afterglow!

“Afterglow” was the first free association that I made when Elizabeth mentioned the term. It reminded me of a song that I wrote when I was living with an ex in that same neighborhood: Cooper Young.

>>I just played that song for the first time in over 3 years, and the “B” section (like the bridge of the song) came out! It’s interesting how a memorable song will flow out, even if it’s been out of my immediate memory. Lennon and McCartney, the Beatles songwriting duo, used to judge the effectiveness of a song they wrote by how easily they could recall it the day after. If I can recall this song years after I last played it, then it’s a good song for me!

Levels
P – 7

M – 7
E -8

Emotional level is 8 because I’m more quickly and easily feeling my emotions. It’s phenomenal. It’s not easy, but I am at a point where I much prefer it to the numbness I was experiencing before the 21 day yoga challenge.

T
After Cooper Young Fest last weekend I went back to a friends house and enjoyed some adult beverages (yes, it was quite enjoyable. Remember how I mentioned that I wanted to stop hanging out with drinkers so much? No judgement. But once a week seems to be totally reasonable to me, where I am right now.)

Anyways, I met a lady named “T”. I saw her energy – like a warm light – and became interested in talking with her. I picked up my screwdriver and plopped down next to her on the couch. Her vibe was refined but accessible, and I knew she was garrulous because she complimented both me and my friend Jimmie as we walked through the door (two good looking dudes with man buns lol).

After talking for a bit it became apparent that we were going to have a great conversation. the energy exchange was fluid and enjoyable, and I began to open up. I shared where I was with my dating relationships and she seemed intrigued that I’m totally open and honest with the people I date, to the point where I may have missed out on some physical connections what required me to be exclusive. It just doesn’t occur to me to chase these types of connections anymore because personal authenticity has become not just a habit, but a must. I gauge the level of personal authenticity with my emotions, and since I’m feeling and expressing my emotions more quickly now, I am able to become more aware of which actions and relationships reinforce these qualities, so If I were to engage with someone under the false pretenses that I was planning on being exclusive with them, I would feel totally out of character. I want people with whom I resonate.

T mentioned that many men simply don’t do this. She found out that someone close to her, who was married for some time, recently got caught taking another woman with him on a vacation cruise. This story made me appreciate the actions that I take for my own personal integrity, including total honesty. This is challenging because sometimes I feel like it comes off as awkward. In truth, I do feel awkward sometimes when I’m revealing my poly dating choices. But it’s me. It’s ok because I like myself and I like where i am, even though it can be frustrating.

I see it as a learning experience. Currently, I don’t feel satisfied with my dating life even though I’ve experienced a considerable amount of success recently, compared to the last year when I barely dated at all. The clearer i become, and the clearer that I broadcast that which I am, the easier it will be for people who really dig my vibe to find me.

I’m excited! Who knows what the future holds. Whatever happens, happens. But I will say this: several years ago, it was so difficult for me to see into the true nature of who I was. Had I been able to travel back to my past self, circumstances and beliefs would have dictated that any insight from now would fall on dull ears. In order to truly be effective, i would have to address my past self with the courtesy of adapting my past self’s worldview.

I would say something like this: “Hey, don’t worry so much. It’s all going to work out in the end.”

Which is what most people say who achieve any level of success in their lives. It’s wonderful to feel like I’m at a place where I feel successful. My mind is right (or, I’m accepting my innate wonky nature. Same thing). My finances are in order. My dating is fun, and I’m learning a lot.

I appreciate all of you reading, and hope that you can get something out of it. Please reach out and let me know what you like and what you’d like to see me blog about next time.

I sincerely appreciate all the love that I receive simply by shining my light.

Shining your light

If you feel like you’re not shining your light, I encourage you to do so. Sometimes in abusing situations shining your light can cause pain, like it did for me. I had to teach my body (which stores information) that shining my light isn’t going to result in pain. OR, perhaps more importantly, if it does, that that the resulting joy of shining my light will be stronger than the pain. This takes some faith and perseverance, and is perhaps the mark of a spiritual warrior. It’s not a strength of body, necessarily, although physical strength can teach us about other strengths. It’s a strength of the spirit – to be oneself truly, fully, and not GAF about the haters.

I’ve enjoyed writing today. Until next time, Peace.

21 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 19 (Blue Plate Special with Michelle)

I lucked out. I just happened to be the only student at Michele Mallory at Elements Yoga Monday at Noon. I walked in to see no other students; a yoga studio full of peace and possibility. In a brief conversation I tried to determine if she was going to cancel class. The second I even hinted at it, she dove right into a positive energy that implied the class was inevitable, so inspiring that it motivated me to commit to the class.

Boy am I glad I did! It was one of the best time’s I’ve had in a yoga class so far. Her adjustments were wonderful, and since I was the only student, I enjoyed many of them. She helped me to get a much better alignment in my twisted triangle pose, as well as helping me to keep my shoulders relaxed.

My favorite part of the class was the arm balances; varied and creative. We played with three different ways of getting into “Flying Lizard” I think it was called. You have Chaturanga arms and bring one leg to rest on top of your tricep muscle. Because I have a strong upper body, I was able to flow into it easily. It was just challenging enough for it to be fun! Michelle was very encouraging. As someone who’s primary love language is words of encouragement, this inspired my practice to blossom.

Levels:

P – 7
M – 8

E – 7

I am noticing that my levels have increased to the point that I had hoped in the beginning of the yoga challenge (Physical, Mental, Emotional). Read this post to learn more about how I’m taking my metrics. 

I’m starting to ask myself: What would it take to bring everything up to a 10? Why not? It would require me to re-define myself again. I’m just adjusting to these new levels, as they are bringing about different ways of understanding myself.

I know that transformation of any kind is lubricated by love. This is important because I don’t want to look at “10s” as somewhere I think I should be. Total love an acceptance of self means that I love and accept myself wherever I am – at 7,8,7 or 3,2,3 or 10,10,10.

So it’s nice to consider having a 10,10,10 day. But I’m going to take it easy for a few days and ride it out. Since I’m just starting to grow into my 7,7,7 days, compared to my 6, 3.5, 4 on my first day, I think I’m doing very well.

The importance of acknowledgement
Acknowledgement and celebration of growth is important. It’s easy, if you are a growth seeker like me, to get caught up in always chasing the next goal, the next transformation, the next level up. I used to do this. Yoga is helping me pause, connect with my breath, and enjoy the fruits of my labor. The afterglow, so to speak. The importance of acknowledgement is such that it seems to allow the achievement of whatever goal you achieved to sink in and enrich you.

21 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 18 (Macro Acro)

I graduated. Grace asked me to be her assistant today, and, until Eric arrived, I was the most senior student for a good 1/2 hour. I felt so proud! We went through a yoga flow, and I was able to follow her throughout the entire sequence, getting a couple gasps and applause from the newby students.

This isn’t something I want to take lightly. I’ve seen Derek, Micheal, and Chris volunteer to showcase the new movements in class. Their feedback (from the base’s standpoint) is always experience based and informative. Now, I’m able to articulate the articulation of my feet, balance, centering, and other feedback.

I was recently asked to participate in a performance with the Acro crew here in Memphis TN. Because I was asked at a time when I was both getting a new job and considering moving, I said “no”, just to avoid unnecessary stress. It was tough because I didn’t anticipate seeing my co-yogis dissapointed at my lack of participation. Acro has never been my priority hobby, except when I went to Divine Play in October 2015 and got fired up to do Acro every day for a couple weeks (kind of like I’m fired up to do yoga everyday! Just caught that theme there 🙂 ) But I am seriously considering making it apriority in anticipation of this performance. Why? Because I have the opportunity to work with some seasoned yogis. This could take my game to the next level. I’m feeling a little conflicted though. A priority hobby is still a hobby. I know some yogis who could do this professionally and be paid very well. I’ve never considered myself to be a professional yogi, although yoga teachers compliment my practice often and encourage me to teach.

Here are my thoughts: I’m unconvinced that the time and money required to become a certified yoga teacher is worth it in the end. How does a yoga teacher make money? If I teach regular classes, 4-5 nights a week, I might make around $500 a month. That’s not enough to live on! It’s a supplemental thing.

Yoga Businessing

Really, yoga teachers, here’s my idea for you to make a bunch of money. Start a platform (Like a popular class, or a yoga blog, or a killer instagram account. I see you out there!). Build that platform and build your following. THEN, create something cool for free or for a very low price (under $10) and collect the email of everyone who buys it. Again, give it time to build your audience.

Eventually, you have an audience, and you have buyers.

Now’s the time to create an LTO (Limited Time Offer). It doesn’t have to be limited. But just create an offer. How? Create a cool video training.

If you do yoga, you already look cool. You already have a list of things that you like to say to encourage your student. Get a friend to record you. Set aside a day, and knock it out. At first, just do a one or 1.25 hour long video. Name it something cool, like “Killer Inversions” or “Juicy Hip-Openers for Runners”. (Yes, please use these ideas). You know all those creative theme-oriented classes you’ve taught over the years? Each one of those could be a video you can record and sell. There is unlimited potential here!

Upload your video course. You can do this on your own site or through a site like Udemy.

Then, all you do is test it, and launch it!

Let people know ahead of time that you’re working on something to build hype. Then, as you’re building hype, continue to enrich your platform and your community. Don’t just check out, or it will seem disingenuous. Be there. Be present. Add value. Make some money with your Yoga Practice.

Now, I have to follow through. 

I’m not a yoga teacher. But I am a Reiki Teacher. These ideas are really exciting me right now! Watch me build a Reiki Course. It’s now more than a thought – It’s on “paper”. It is crystallizing.

Levels today
P – 7
M – 7
E – 7
S – Jackpot

 

21 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 16 and 17 (Sh!tty Youtube Yoga)

Day 16: I did my own routine. Apparently in order to record a full Hyperlapse you need a great deal of space on your phone, which I did not have. Time to clean up! It was a great flow though. I used much alternate nostril breathing at the beginning of the flow (about 10 minutes). I made sure to power up each side equally. More on this later.

Day 17: Yup. I did a youtube yoga routine. Not that all youtube yoga routines are bad, I just happened to choose a sh!tty one. What made it sh!tty? (btw I love amending profanity this way). It seemed like the dude that led it added his own adjustments. I don’t mean he added adjustments from a lexicon of Yoga Alliance approved adjustments – I mean he did non-sensicle things that felt really wrong.

For example: He had us (by us I mean everyone in the room, which was me) take eagle arms. Eagle pose, fully realized, is the crossing of the arms at the elbows and the clasping of the hands, combined with the crossing of one leg over the other with the foot tucked around the standing calf muscle.

Eagle arms is just the arms crossed at the elbows with the hands clasped in front of the face. The feet were hip-width apart.

What this yoga teacher chose to do at this point is to have us (me) bend at the hip and fold forward with eagle arms still engaged. Woah. Something here didn’t compute. I’m not sure if it is my unique body composition or simply the nature of the pose that seemed strange, but I bailed, and I bailed hard. I squatted, untucked my arms, and, defiantly, told that yoga instructor “fvck no” (that’s Latin for “no, thank you”).

The rest of the flow I found to be pretty basic, so regardless of my belief that this video was crap, I made it work for me. I ended up feeling really good in Savasana. In fact, I was able to do something that I’ve secretely wanted to do when a Yoga teacher calls me out of Savasana before I’m ready (like, every time). The teacher started the obligatory “And now brind your awareness back to your body, begin to wiggle your fingers and…”“NOPE”. I reached over and hit the space-bar and said “NOPE”, pausing the video. Ahhh. Finally, a long Savasana 🙂 Boom.

Levels:

P – 7
M – 7
E – 4
S – 8


I definitely felt great at least 3 times that day. It was Cooper Young Fest so I had a little to drink. I also took my shirt off in the sunlight. Abundant great feelings! Btw, drinking is mostly unproductive. I’ve noticed that I’ve been surrounding myself with drinkers the past several days. No judgement. I’m working on attracting productive, growth oriented friends so that I can reinforce my productive, growth oriented self. Drinking is fine for me as long as it’s done with the utmost celebratory fashion, such as celebrating good friends, good food, and good conversation. If it ever gets to the point of a mutual numbing of feelings, that’s where I’m out. I know I’ve used alcohol to do just this at least once this weekend, and because one of my goals with this 21 Day Yoga Challenge is to get better emotional expression, I am going to avoid alcohol for the next several days.

So that’s it for me today! I look forward to bringing you more interesting information and giving you some insight into your own life and experience through the process of 21 Days of Yoga.

Peace.

21 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 15 (No Yoga?!)

Day 15. No Yoga. It’s taking a large amount of gumption to write about this right now. A small part of me feels guilty about it – like somehow I’ve failed the challenge – but that’s not true. There is simply no way to fail it.

Ultimately, I procrastinated. I delayed. I pushed yoga back and back, and let my social plans take precedence. I made plans with Dark Princess and let my sexual satisfaction take precedence. Do I feel bad about it? No, not really, because it was a great experience.

But no yoga apparently makes Tim a dull boy.

I think it’s fine to skip a day, as long as I make up for it. Life happens. Sexy situations happen too.

I am feeling a bit strange for writing so often about Dark Princess. She’s become a theme in my life, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with her. It seems like, as a newly polyamorous individual, I should be spending more time getting new dates. So I’ve blogged about this before. But what am I going to do about it? Why haven’t I done it already? Have I been using shyness as an excuse, or is it something deeper? Am I simply a shy person, and should leave it at that, or is there a bigger growth experience out there for me?

When I visualize myself as a confident, sexually fulfilled man, I look at it in a social sense. I see myself as someone who has had a lot of success, connections, fvcks, and is incredibly popular. This is one aspect. There is another part of my that I visualize as successful in a heart-connection basis. This man is open, loving, smiling, grateful.

Perhaps this is the false dichotomy that a shame-based individual has to create in order to make sense of the complex nature of being human. Do you see how I had to separate love from sex? Well, to be fair, they are too different things. But I had to visualize to different selves. The concept is utterly terrifying to me. I am working to consolidating my selves, and dealing with the illusions of separation that it entails.

The Take Away
Hey! If you read through the above paragraphs, you know that there is a lot that is changing with me. My intention with the 21 day yoga challenge was to experience the change that the consistent yoga brings. Well, here is an excellent example! Look at this juicy cognitive dissonance! I am faced, starkly, with the realization that I’ve been entertaining two different world views – two different identities. I don’t care about this anymore – I just want to be me. Perhaps this me is someone who shows up as ers self in any given situation, and moves naturally. I’ve been accused of over-analyzing situations – if you read more of my blog, you may agree!

I believe that cognitive dissonance is the name of the game. The more you can be ok with it, and even play with it, the more we can glean the lessons of individual experience. Life is tricky, but it doesn’t have to be. Let’s lean in to the cognitive dissonance that results from trying new things and learn big lessons about ourselves!

21 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 14 (Yo)

Heyo. That’s what I say when I enter Midtown Yoga studio A on wednesday night at 8:15. Hey, Yo! Yolandrea (Yo) is a yoga teacher in Memphis, TN. I’ve known her for quite some time. Years, I would venture. Her class I would attend when I was low on cash and needed some flow in my life. At one point it was a “pay what you can” class – in which case I would pay between $0.00 and $3.00. I don’t see these “pay what you can” classes around town anymore, probably because they have been determined to be un-viable business choices.

What I do see, now, is “Community Classes”. Check it out. The standard “Drop-in” fee for a yoga class in Memphis, TN is $15 now. I don’t know when that happened, but it seems to be the general consensus. If you find a “Community Class”, all that means is it’s a lower price for the class – anywhere from $7-$11 depending on where you go.

If you didn’t know, now you know!

Yo’s Class
I enjoy Yo’s classes for several reasons. One of the things that makes her class super-enjoyable is she organizes it not just by poses, but by themes. Every class of hers that I’ve had the pleasure of attending has had a very carefully chosen playlist as the students trickle in. If you listen carefully, you may detect the theme from the playlist. Yo’s forethought and care in choosing the theme for the class makes the experience more meaningful for most of her students: maybe this is why her classes are usually packed with 30+ students!

This time, the theme was “Lean in”. Lean in to what? Lean into wherever you are. I love this frame (a frame is a way of being – a paradigm, if you will). When we lean into life, we must put ourselves in a place of total acceptance of where we are. For example, right now I’m leaning into the fact that my poly-dating choices, while created with total transparency and honesty, may not be really getting me the love that I want. I predicted this in my first 21 Day Yoga Challenge Blogpost, where I stated “I’m going to be sure that I’m not using the option to connect physically with multiple people or partners as a way to avoid letting them in emotionally. So transparency is paramount, with authentic heart connections taking precedence.”

There is a point that I need to talk about, because it is currently very challenging for me. I know that in order to make authentic connections with potential partners, I need to express interest overtly. In other words, let my attraction be known. This has never come easy for me, because I tend to be a very shy person. I went to Cooper Young Fest yesterday with some friends and ran into many beautiful people…but I was feeling very introverted and shy and did not expressly express any attraction. So no new numbers, or potential dates. I’ve been feeling shame about this point as well…there seems to be a vein of self-talk that says “If you’re polyamorous, you should be dating everyday and getting new numbers everyday”, but I question this. Part of “Leaning In” to this mentality is recognizing that I am where I am and that’s good enough.

The Importance of “Good Enough”

If I create any change from the place of not being “good enough”, it’s un-productive.
Feeling good enough already is the foundation upon which I choose to build my creations. If I am not feeling “good enough” (i.e. I have low self-esteem/confidence), then any creation will be distorted as a proving ground to prove to myself that I am, in fact, good enough. Another way of saying this is that the creation will be distorted; usurped by a sense of lack that needs to be filled.

Low self esteem is common in dysfunctional families, and it’s been something that I’ve dealt with for most of my life.

Here is a list of things that one can do to raise self esteem:
– Say “no” to plans – Self Esteem means valuing yourself. If you let others make plans for you, it’s fine. But if you let them do so to the extent where you are under-valuing yourself and your time, that’s where the line must be drawn. Saying “no” to plans means you stand up for yourself and your time. Don’t do this as a rule – be flexible – but understand that a symptom of low self-esteem is valuing others more than you value yourself.
– Take care of yourself – This goes hand in hand with saying no to plans. Valuing yourself means taking care of yourself, and sometimes taking care of yourself means saying no to plans. If this doesn’t sound right, try flipping the script. Check it out: If you place taking care of yourself as a priority, then you will have to say no to certain plans at some point. This means doing laundry, cleaning your house, doing the mini-maintanance things as acts of self-love. Keeping my space clean, laundry, grooming, excercise; these are all acts of self love for me.
– Encourage others – This one can create a huge shift. Confident people encourage others. An insecure person will tear others down. By encouraging others, we instill in them the things that we would like in ourselves. This isn’t a be-all-end-all solution to low self-confidence, but it helps.

Update
I’ve been behind on my blogging (about 4 days behind actually), so I forgot to take my levels.

Right now, thought, I’m feeling at like a 6.5 physically (I haven’t lifted weights in a few days). Mentally, I’m at a 7, Emotionally I’m at a 7.

Ultimately, I’m very pleased with the way that daily yoga has positively influenced my mental and emotional bodies. The change that I wanted (a 3 point increase) is here! Awesome.

Until next time, yoga on!

 

 

21 Day Yoga Challenge, Days 12 and 13 (Hyperlapse and Elements)

Heyogis!

Day 12

For my 12th day I did a yoga flow in my bedroom. It was a ton of fun, and i got to try out my new Hyperlapse app, suggested by Olivia Lomax of Delta Groove Yoga. It’s an easy way to record a full flow and speed it up so you can watch it 2, 4, 6, or 8x the speed!

I utilized a few of the techniques I’ve been learning at Elements in the Vinyasa classes, including the 3 legged dog (Downward facing dog with one leg in the air).

I almost felt like I was procrastinating, waiting until 10:30 pm to start my flow, but ultimately it was fine.

Levels:
P – 7
M – 7
E – 6

Day 13

I did the noon Vinyasa class at Elements and saw Joel, the owner. He brought his puppy with him – it was so cute! The flow today was challenging (a lot of three legged dog work and core work) but it felt great to get through it. Elizabeth Heeran is a strong and gentle teacher. Her adjustments seemed to come from a place of total love and understanding, an energy that I always appreciate.

Also, I chose the pink yoga mat today, because I f’ing love pink

Levels:
P – 7.7
M – 8
E – 7

During Savasana, Elizabeth played this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58TBZnvyGwQ.

So beautiful! I had a tear in my eye when we came back for the Namaste.

I could really relate to the lost boy story…

Love, always.

Tim

21 Day Yoga Challenge: Day 11 (Acro Yoga at Overton Park)

My love. Acro Yoga Sunday at Overton Park today 5pm.

Acro Yoga
The class consisted of a very clever Vinyasa sequence as warm-up, focusing most notably on hip openers (for bases) and tuck jumps (for flyers). In Acro Yoga, the base lays on *ers back with ers feet in the air. The flyer then leans into the base in different positions and is physically elevated into the air. It’s such a healthy way to connect with someone sensually (not sexually) and to have fun while doing it.

I’m writing this blog post two days after, so let’s recall my levels…

P  – 7
M – 3
E – 7

Mentally I had a difficult time being in the present moment, focused on the task at hand. I navigated it by helping others, which was positive. Emotionally I felt rejected but was able to be present with that emotion, so I’ll say 7. Physically this daily yoga is doing positive things for my physical health and well being.

Dating
I told Dark Princess about the Acro date. Total transparency in dating feels weird at first if you’re not used to it, but it opens a very clear dimension of honesty and accountability. I wish my date could have made it to Acro, but she had to work, and I felt pretty lonely for much of the class. I’ve been practicing Acro for a year now, so I helped some newbies into the basic poses. It was a relief to think outside myself and invest my time there into helping someone learn the ropes, instead of stewing in the discomforting feeling of rejection. There were old parts of me that wanted to take it personally, but I keep reminding myself that it’s not a rejection of self, just plans.

I’m still feeling out my connection with this other person too. Dark Princess and I have a compelling bodily attraction to each other, and we connect mentally on topics of spiritual growth and business ideas, so conversation is usually fluid between us, and if it isn’t, we just have fun making out and playing!

This other person feels quite different. With this other person I feel safe revealing some deep parts of myself that I keep hidden. We spoke over the phone for almost an hour after I got back from Acro. I haven’t kissed her yet, and I’m curious to know if that’s the direction that our connection will go, but I’m open to wherever it goes, organically. All I know at this point is that I feel safe around her and want to get to spend more time with her.

Toxic Shame
If you’ve read more of my blog, you know that I am a survivor of toxic shame. Toxic shame happens when core parts of your being are shamed for simply existing. For me, it looked like my family and community shaming parts of myself that didn’t conform to the standards of society; namely behavior, dress, and confident sexuality.

Part of dating healthily, for me, means rewiring old, dysfunctional ideas of dating and expression in favor of new, highly-functional ones.

Before about a month ago I hadn’t dated (as in actively seeking partners) for about a year now. When I got back into the flow recently, I realized that I had many outdated models of how it was “supposed” to work. Part of my new approach is to question these beliefs. As I began to debunk my toxic shame around dating and sexuality, I began to realize that I was operating under the default of monogamy. In the past, I’ve committed to monogamy with a partner because I thought that was the only way to sex (a model of reality that I now considered outdated). I love sex, but in the past I’ve been ashamed to admit that I wanted it out of any given dating situation. I know that I hurt some people through my ignorance and I feel remorse, but I also forgive myself now because I didn’t have the experience or understanding of a different way. Toxic shame is blinding. Now that I understand it, I can live healthy, confidently, and honestly.

Challenges
What are my biggest challenges with this? Part of me wants to space out – check out. I’ve been bisexual all of my life with little or no support and understanding until quite recently, so I became a professional at checking out. Through out my adolescence into early adult hood I used weed, alcohol, music, fantasy, pornography, and food to medicate uncomfortable feelings (mostly toxic shame). As a bisexual person, sometimes it feels energetically depleting to show up as myself. Sometimes it feels like a waste of energy to try to explain myself to someone who doesn’t have a place for someone like me in their worldview. My challenge is to flow with my organic self-expression and attract people into my life that love and understand me, and to not worry about the connections that don’t work out. How do I do that? I get to be and become a loving and understanding person. Practically, this looks like taking time to make new connections, get numbers, and make plans.

Ongoing Experiment
Daily Yoga is changing my body. A year of weight lifting gave me big muscles, but increased daily yoga is making me leaner. I am a spirit in a body, and I define myself by my self, not just my body. I’m finding that I want to embrace my physical beauty more, including changes in style and how I present myself to the world.

I live on the border of Orange Mound, which is an African-American part of Memphis with a rich history, and I have always appreciated the urban style of dress I see here. I like how much of it is not gender specific. I’m not sure if I’m non-gender binary or what; I’m just taking time to connect with how I feel in the moment and move from the NOW moment.

It’s like the famous Schrodinger’s cat experiment, and the principle of quantum physics where the observer shapes that which is being observed. When I’m with Dark Princess, she appreciates my masculinity and I feel more masculine. When I’m with my current other woman, she creates space for me to open up and reveal more of my feminine side.
This is a very interesting time for me, because I’m having to embrace fully my decision to operate from a place of not knowing: not knowing what the future holds, not knowing who I am becoming. My guiding principle is love, and the point of contact with being and becoming in my heart. (Being and Becoming are ancient philosophical ideas, traceable to Greek philosophers Plato and others, as well as apparent in Huna teachings. Do you know of another instance? Comment!)

I like it though – it’s exciting. I envision a Tim with an open heart, surrounded by loving people, confident, actively involved in creative pursuits that teach the youth positive self-regard and application of their creative assets to building a better future.

Hmm….these posts are becoming more and more like journal entries. I’m considering making new posts that are more list-oriented for easy use. If you’re still with me, thanks for reading through this vulnerable self-exploration! I hope that you can use these ideas in your own self-explorations.

May you be and become your truest, most vibrant self!

*Note: I use the archaic non-gender specific personal pronoun “er and ers” to designate he/she and his/hers.

Page 2 of 4

© Tim Stanek 2016. All Rights Reserved.

Don't miss a post!

  • I don't send annoying emails
  • everyday
  • like some gurus do

Subscribe to Tim's email list