Day 15. No Yoga. It’s taking a large amount of gumption to write about this right now. A small part of me feels guilty about it – like somehow I’ve failed the challenge – but that’s not true. There is simply no way to fail it.
Ultimately, I procrastinated. I delayed. I pushed yoga back and back, and let my social plans take precedence. I made plans with Dark Princess and let my sexual satisfaction take precedence. Do I feel bad about it? No, not really, because it was a great experience.
But no yoga apparently makes Tim a dull boy.
I think it’s fine to skip a day, as long as I make up for it. Life happens. Sexy situations happen too.
I am feeling a bit strange for writing so often about Dark Princess. She’s become a theme in my life, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with her. It seems like, as a newly polyamorous individual, I should be spending more time getting new dates. So I’ve blogged about this before. But what am I going to do about it? Why haven’t I done it already? Have I been using shyness as an excuse, or is it something deeper? Am I simply a shy person, and should leave it at that, or is there a bigger growth experience out there for me?
When I visualize myself as a confident, sexually fulfilled man, I look at it in a social sense. I see myself as someone who has had a lot of success, connections, fvcks, and is incredibly popular. This is one aspect. There is another part of my that I visualize as successful in a heart-connection basis. This man is open, loving, smiling, grateful.
Perhaps this is the false dichotomy that a shame-based individual has to create in order to make sense of the complex nature of being human. Do you see how I had to separate love from sex? Well, to be fair, they are too different things. But I had to visualize to different selves. The concept is utterly terrifying to me. I am working to consolidating my selves, and dealing with the illusions of separation that it entails.
The Take Away
Hey! If you read through the above paragraphs, you know that there is a lot that is changing with me. My intention with the 21 day yoga challenge was to experience the change that the consistent yoga brings. Well, here is an excellent example! Look at this juicy cognitive dissonance! I am faced, starkly, with the realization that I’ve been entertaining two different world views – two different identities. I don’t care about this anymore – I just want to be me. Perhaps this me is someone who shows up as ers self in any given situation, and moves naturally. I’ve been accused of over-analyzing situations – if you read more of my blog, you may agree!
I believe that cognitive dissonance is the name of the game. The more you can be ok with it, and even play with it, the more we can glean the lessons of individual experience. Life is tricky, but it doesn’t have to be. Let’s lean in to the cognitive dissonance that results from trying new things and learn big lessons about ourselves!