I haven’t kicked it with Dark Princess in a couple weeks, and other than a few casual conversations on the phone or by text, we haven’t talked. Maybe this is one relationship that will just fall away naturally. I’ve actually reached out a few times but she seems to be pretty busy. Recently I’ve become aware that one quality that I look for in people I’m interested in is time abundance and schedule orientation. Without these qualities, it is impossible for me to commit energetically to building something – even casually – with another human being. I bring this up because knowing that I need time abundance and schedule orientation is a wonderful lesson I’ve recieved in these last few months.
When I first started dating at the beginning of the 21 day Yoga Challenge after taking a year off I had to break through some shame-based fears about being “seen” before I was ready. Now I feel like I’ve been seen, and it wasn’t terrible. In fact, I’ve had many wonderful, real, and pleasureable moments in the process.
I am excited about a new woman in my life, whom I will refer to as The Doc. We are both schedule oriented, and, because there is a mutual attraction, we make time for eachother. Our connection started as friends, then we became intimate friends, then we kissed and eventually became lovers. It took courage to ask if I could kiss her, but other than that, the whole process was very organic and fluid. Maybe even the courage on my part was an organic courage, instead of courage tainted by a sense of needing to prove myself.
Organic courage is courage that arises naturally. A willingness to go outside ones comfort zone is part of the process, but it really isn’t the entire thing. Organic courage means the courage to act, be, do as the person you feel like you are – the person you feel like you are becoming. Organic courage means that you posess within you the wherewithall to knock on the door of opportunity. It doesn’t matter if you knock gingerly, confidently, boisterously, but just knock anyways.
Show up to the opportunity. To run away from that opportunity will never get you through it. You can navigate life brilliantly with organic courage – knock gingerly if you will, but knock.
Eventually the quality of your courage may distill, mature, and turn into a skillset. Eventually you may begin to understand more about what you want, and develop the unique skill set required to get what you want (like I am currently developing in dating…slowly, but surely)
For example, I’m learning more about what I want. I recently had an encounter with a rediculously gorgeous woman. I mean, head turning accident causing good looks. I started a conversation with her (which took courage), and I told her she was beautiful (which also took courage). I didn’t use any cheesy pickup lines – which take courage too – but they’re pretty new to me. I may experiment with them eventually, if I think the time is right, but my organic courage approach seems like it fits better with who I am, at least for now.
Conscious pickup lines
I’ve never really been one for pickup lines. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, and I know some people for whom they really work, but I prefer my method of soft courage or organic courage.
Why? I don’t know – maybe it’s an introvert thing. Maybe I prefer to make connections with people with whom there is mutual respect, and I have a belief that pickup lines are disrespectful in some way. I’ve seen them used – boisterously, courageously, and unabashedly – and I’ve seen them work. But I lost respect for the men who used them, and for the women that they used them on. It felt disheartening, and I want to understand why. At one point I used to get my love through the use of covert contract – in other words, “If I am kind and a nice guy, and don’t objectify you or treat you like I am actually interested in you, then you should love me and validate me sexually.”
This nice guy covert contract is pretty common I think, and a cause of sexual frustration for a lot of people young and old – I know because I was once one of them! I’ve really lucked out though, because my organic courage is working for me. Slowly, but it’s still working ok.
But, as any healthy self-regulating system must do, I question this approach. I wonder – is there something to the pickup line thing? Perhaps I can tailor the ethos of the pickup line to fit my vibe. I’d venture a proposal that the reason that pickup lines can work is that they express interest from the get go, which let’s the object of your affections respond in kind, or at least understand your intentions.. My approach with Dark Princess, “the other woman”, The Doc, and more, has been to get to know them personally first, then express my interest in physical affection. I did this because the vibe felt right to do so, which is a result of just feeling out a situation intuitively (another reason why yoga and meditation are so great for self-efficacy – they sharpen intuition).
Positive marketing in Dating
I’d consider the vibe and the way that we interact with potential partners as a form of advertizing. Thus, if I advertise my self – in this case, the quality and value that I provide to a partner – as something that is flashier than the reality of what I can truly offer, then I feel way out of alignment with my integrity.
This is why, if I were to start using pickup lines, they would have to be reflective of the quality and value that I can truly provide – which is an open-hearted, encouraging, fun, fluid connection. Boom. I just learned something about myself.
I am in an incredible dating situation! The Doc is encouraging of my current preference for open relationship, as well as my desire to explore role play as a method of self discovery…essentially, she encourages me to be me.
Emotionally, this is incredibly rewarding. To be in an intimate partnership with someone who encourages me to be me is like, literally the best thing evar. (Usually I’d want to use a perhaps more literary description, but girly linguistics seems to do the trick here. Sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s the way you say it). Encouragement to be me was never something I had as a child. The fact that I found someone who provides that is wonderful. I’ve worked on becoming more of myself recently, and to meet someone who reflects my internal change back to me helps to reenforce the change.
The speed at which I manifested this relationship is pretty staggering. Remember the fourth step of the manifestation process? Yeah, I’m still adjusting. It’s changing me and bringin me new positive cognitive dissonance experiences!
Open Relationships – a lesson from a couple years back
A couple years back I dated multiple people at the same time, but I started things out wrong. I became physically intimate with someone before having an in-depth conversation and making a mutual decision to be open. I dated this person and we became physically intimate quickly. I did so with the understanding and explicit detailing that I didn’t want anything exclusive. But she became jealous of my other partners and let that jealousy get the best of her. She contacted one of my other partners and told her off very territorially. It fvcked the whole situation up and I ended up having to choose neither of them. I was learning at the time, and so I understand there were probably some other things that I could have done differently. Most notably, I would have spent longer choosing a primary partner. I would have chosen a primary partner who was open and understanding of my need for open relationships, not just accepting because she wanted to be with me.
I’ve never had a partner as encouraging as The Doc. It’s hard to say if she’ll be my primary – I think it’s too early to tell. For now I’ll just enjoy our connection, playfulness, conversation, and mutual respect and admiration.
It’s a good thing.
[Comment! I love hearing from you.]